I hate school

Well, I miscalculated my school weeks and realized that i had to have a paper done by tuesday.  I am starting the paper, so I just wanted to update people that i won't be blogging tonight as I have some school work to get done.  If I can write a page an hour, single spaced, I should be done my morning. i can then spell check and correct tomorrow and I should be in good shape.  I thought I was better than this, but I just lied to myself.  I hate school and can't wait until this class is over in a week.  Week 2 tomorrow at Wrigley.  Hopefully, I don't get fired!  They seem to like me, so i think it is going well.  We will see.  Back to my paper.  Actually, back to brainstorming a topic for the paper.  It should go pretty quick after that.  I think this one is 14 pages.  Intimidating when you don't have a topic yet.  I was thinking, maybe I could keep writing in this blog rather than write the paper.  I actually enjoy the blog.  But the paper gets me the diploma which gets me paid.  I think I will go back to the paper.  

Until tomorrow...

I love the weekends, kind of...

So, first things first.  I am not sure if any of you actually enjoy this blog or are just reading it to make sure I am not having any more fun in my life than you are.   I have one request:  could some of you start to rate the blog at the end of the entry?  I have no idea if there are posts that you are enjoying over others and I would like to at least try to humor one or two of you.  If a couple of you could do me that favor, I would greatly appreciate it.  That way when everyone rates the post a 1 and I think that my stories about my flower garden were interesting, I will at least know the truth.

Okay, so I looked forward to this day with reckless abandon all week.  I could not wait for this day to arrive.  I thought about it all week.  I knew I was going to sleep in until 12 noon.  I knew that my lovely wife would surprise me by getting up and taking care of Maddie until I blissfully arose.  I would be treated to pizza in bed upon my entrance into the conscious world.  I would then take a long bath to rest my weary bones from a gruelling work week.  I didn't really want a bath, it just sounded good.  I always envision people relaxing in bathtubs, so I thought it fitting for this weekend.  Well, I don't actually envision other people in bathtubs very often.  Never mind, it is not coming out right tonight. 

Yeah, so I woke up about 7am and couldn't sleep any longer.  What an absolute waste.  When I have to get up, I want to sleep.  When I could at least sleep a couple more hours, I am wide awake.  And not the awake that lets you drift back and forth between the shallow rest and semi-consciousness.  No, the awake like I am bored laying here and even though I don't want to get up I get up anyway because I can't bear to lay here any longer.  Not only do I miss out on my pizza in bed and long peaceful midsummer's morning, but i find myself in a quiet house all alone without anyone to even share it with.  

Maddie decides that since I can't sleep, that she will sleep in for me.  She doesn't even wake until almost 11am, so on the day that I could spend all day with her, she doesn't get up until half way through the day.  Then, only stays awake for a little while and takes a 3 hour nap.  By the time she is getting back up, I have to leave for school.  Saturdays are my Intro to Interactive Marketing class.  Challenging class, to stay awake in that is...

So we went out to eat with Kacey's parents and her Grandma.  Unfortunately, her grandma has slowed quite dramatically in the past few years.  This is a woman who grew up in a tavern.  Even at 80 drank a martini a day, and her language gives credence to her childhood spent in that tavern.  She is one of the greatest people of that generation.  I have grown quite fond of her.  Even though she is slowing down, she still has a great sense of humor.  I call her Old Grey.  She tried to tell me that her great-grandkids call her The Great.  I thought she said old grey and have called her that ever since.  Even at dinner tonight she got a beer.  She got it in a kid's glass with a flexi straw because she isn't strong enough to lift a glass glass anymore.  There is something to be said for someone who has deteriorated to the point that she can't pick up the mug, but still gets her beer in a plastic sippy cup.  What a role model.  Besides the occasional slippage of gas, she has most of her bodily functions under control.  She really enjoyed seeing Maddie.  I think that the kids are the highlight of her life right now.

That makes you realize what is important when you get older.  A little alcohol and the realization that somehow your next generation has survived thus far.  No matter how bad of a role model you may have been, they are still alive.  Maybe there is more, but that is what I took from tonight.

Well, we have been trying to put Maddie down for a good 2 hours now.  She thinks its a game that when we put her down, she can stay up.  no matter how tired she seems, once she hits that mattress and sees us walking away, she wails.  Most kids wail when they see me coming toward them, but for some reason, the darkness must confuse her.  Anyway, she is crying again, so i am going to try to comfort her with my soothing presence. 

Until tomorrow...

How has my week been???

Well, now I can at least talk about my week.  I know that I alluded to some stuff earlier in the week, but here is the truth.  My boss and Wrigley parted ways at 8am Tuesday morning.  Of course that was 8 hours into my working relationship with Wrigley.  While a complete shock to me, I was already at Wrigley so I didn't have a lot of choice.  I love everyone's comments, "it never happens like that here".  Really, because as far as I know, it happens ever couple of days or so.  In fact, at that point, I hadn't gone more than 8 hours without seeing someone let go.  At that rate, i was worried because it would take roughly 9 days before my number would be up at that rate.  Well, I am 5 days in and I am thinking I am somewhat safe, at least for the meantime.  Everyone seems to like me, no really, they do like me.  I get along with everyone and I think it is going to be a good move.  I really needed this change of scenery.  I really liked working at Alberto, people could not have been better to me while I worked there, and I left there with some of the greatest friends that I will continue to keep in touch with.  However, it was time for me to go screw up someone else's digital marketing.  I wanted to bang my head on a different wall and talk to that wall to try to convince them to spend more money in digital.  I knew that going to Wrigley would not be so much better, but at least the walls would be different colors, no offense Glen.  But those walls at Alberto were really bad!

Anyway, tonight I have sad news instead of my usual banter complaining about something about my day.  We said goodbye to 2 of our closest friends in the world.  Paola and Aldo are leaving us tomorrow morning to return to Italy.  We will miss them tremendously.  Funny thing we found out tonight that we were married on the same date and same year.  They are great people who will come back to visit this fall and we are making a pilgrimage to Italy next fall to visit them.  Good luck and I know I wouldn't want to be the passenger in the seat in front of you two with your kids awake the whole flight!!!  I hope they sleep!  

It has been an interesting week.  I took a new job.  I lost my boss.  I knew no one at the company.  I lost 2 of my closest friends.  I am tired.  I miss Florida.  It seems as though that distant memory is so far from my life right now that I can't remember it clearly.  I need another vacation!  Then I think back, I could be working at Alberto still without my vacation and I think I am doing okay.  Well, I am going to bed for the first time in a week without an alarm set.  I hope Maddie sleeps until 2pm and I can sleep in with her.  Something tells me that my little ball of boundless energy is going to want to get up early and happily spend the morning hours with her dad.  Though, I think I am okay with that also...

Until Tomorrow...

1 more day and I'll have been here a week

Well, tomorrow is jeans day/half day/last day in a very long week.  I didn't realize that taking 3 weeks off would screw with me quite as much as it did.  I am now getting up 5 hours earlier that I did during those 3 weeks.  I am effectively cutting my sleep in half.  I am asking that all of you feel very sorry for me and feel for my troubled adjustment back to the real world. 

So tonight I had my ethics class for grad school.  It was kind of weird.  We were discussing plastic surgery, so we went to some web sites to see how they presented their case and how they approached their target market.  Well, let me tell you.  They all took a very visual approach.  Very odd to sit in a class of 15 students and one teacher, and all women and one guy.  We looked at breast augmentation, face lifts, and tummy tucks.  Interesting how the conversation was very critical of all of the breast augmentations.  I reserved judgement as I felt i couldn't add anything constructive to the conversation.  Some of the women in my class even compared their own cleavage to the ones on the screen.   Just an odd night.

Well, I am going to try to go to bed because I am more tired than usual.  I will try to get back to my wife's shopping spree tomorrow.  I do not understand women, but more importantly I do not understand their shopping habits. But, that is a story for tomorrow.

Until tomorrow...

Great new phrase

All of you know I am at a new job.  I am intermittently switching between really busy and I know that I will be really busy soon and having no idea what to do at the moment.  I seem to have something figured out and then I realize that I don't know how to proceed and scrap it all. So, I decided to write a new social media overview and toolkit for the global markets.  Since social networks are dominant in every country, I thought it would be a great place to start.  That way, the marketers in Eastern Europe will know how to leverage Friendster with reckless abandon.  Does any actually use Friendster any more.  To me, Friendster is one of those networks that everyone has heard of and that everyone had a "friend" that used it, but no one claims to actually have used it in their life.  It is almost this myth of "back in my day, we had Friendster as our social network."  Granted, those people are the dinosaurs in our industry and are looking for places to cash their stock options in pets.com and reflect.com.  So, anyway, I decided that I needed to refresh myself on some of this and I go to navigate to Facebook.com.  Yeah, I am blocked.  I had this problem at Alberto also.  So I talk with IT.  Yeah, they tell me that no one has special access.  I try to tell them that this is what I do for a living.  They politely inform me that this is what they do for a living.  So as to not burn any bridges, I let them know that I wasn't fond of social networking for the company anyway and that I always thought that TV was the way to go.  He looked at me kind of odd and asked if there was any other questions he could answer.  I ask him if he knows a good place to buy a new belt.  He informs me that there is a Nordstrom right down the street.  I thank him and casually tell him that my last belt couldn't handle my weight last night when I tried to hang myself due to stupid people.  He walked out of my office.  I don't think I made a new friend.  As he was walking out I asked him if he was on Facebook because I would like to be his friend.  He just kept walking.  

So my new phrase went something like this...  One guy I was working with was trying to avoid another.  The second guy standing there was deliberating how to avoid this meeting and how to handle a potentially explosive situation.  So he tells the other guy to "email bail" on him.  He said then you don't have to talk to him and you can avoid the situation.  Very passive aggressive if you ask me, and I like that.  But I thought it was a great phrase.  I am going to try to incorporate that into more conversations.  I think I will run it by my grandpa first.  He always likes to be in the know and he gets a kick out of technology talk like that.  He always tells me to just email it to him.  He thinks its funny.  I have to agree.  He has lived in the same house for 67 years, married for 65 years, and still doesn't have call waiting.  In fact, he didn't even have cable until this Christmas.  I couldn't take being over there any more and missing cubs games and things like that so Kacey and I bought it for them for Christmas.  The highlight of the gift came a week or two later.  They found polka hour on cable every Saturday night.  In fact, once they told me and Kacey about it, we have been hooked.  Nationwide country of the best that polka has to offer.  Don't mock it until you try it.

So, thank you to everyone that has complimented this blog to me in emails.  I am flattered that anyone would read even a second entry that I have written has come to be a pleasant surprise.  Thanks to everyone except my sister.  She writes, "I couldn't sleep so I read your blog" and "at least it was more interesting than what was going on in my belly".  Now before anyone jumps to jokes about gas and/or bowel irritation.  She is pregnant.  But I pour my soul into this blog and it is just slightly more interesting that "what was going on in her belly"????  K - you are killing my ego!!!  No, just joking.  I have fun writing this and will continue to do so and have some fun with it.  I have about 5 stories a day from my new job, but I would kind of like to stay there for a little while, so i have to refrain from saying anything.  Who knows who reads this and I don't want to burn bridges already.  I have to say, just like at Alberto, there are some absolutely great people that I have already met, and some that have left me scratching my head.  Maybe, I will change the context, names, and companies and tell the stories.  Believe me, they are better than any of the stories I have written about already!!  Let me think on this one and I will try to figure out a way to pass them on without giving away where they came from.  Great to hear from everyone at Alberto today.  Except for the sad soul who sent me work to comment on.  Somebody needs to tell this person i don't work there any more.  I will give my 2 cents, but maybe Alberto should think about hiring someone to replace me.  Wait until this person gets my consulting bill for the work.  

Well, Until tomorrow....

A new job and well, a new job

I can't really go into detail on this one, but today marked another new dimension on the job.  I will get into details either end of the week or early next week, but on day 2 of the new job I got a whole new perspective on the new job.  Again, I know this sounds stupid, and doesn't make sense, but I will fill you in when I can.  Just know that I took the job, then turned the job down, now took the job, and now got a new job description.  Oh, and I took a 3 week vacation during that also.  What a month!!!

One thing I forgot to bring back up.  So someone told me about this fun game to play at live events called photobombing.  So I decided to try it out at the Kenny Chesney concert.  What you do is wait for someone who is hugging their significant other for a picture.  They are usually planning an overly romantic moment with some beautiful background.  One person, your accomplice, volunteers to take the photo.  Then you position yourself directly behind the photo.  The couple will be so intent on smiling and taking the time to put out a perfect picture they will hardly notice you.  Right when the picture is taken you do something really strange in the background.  Now, this doesn't ruin their picture as they can always crop you out, but it does make for some funny photos.  

So, Kacey agrees to humor me and try it out.  It could have been the Pabst Blue Ribbon she had before the concert started, but either way, she actually humored me and had a little fun with me.  So, she takes the camera and gets this couple in a perfect pose.  Here's a little hint for everyone thinking about doing this - choose someone smaller than yourself.  In this case, she chose a what resembled a large body builder.  I was slightly worried, but figured all the energy went to his muscles and not his head and he couldn't be that smart.  So at the right moment I pull my shirt over my head.  He now has a great picture of him and his girlfriend with an overly large pale, hairy chest directly behind them.  I thought it was funny, until he looked at the digital camera and was pretty pissed off.  Luckily, I came up with a quick story that i was joking around with a friend up in the second deck and PROFUSELY apologized.  I was pretty scared, but couldn't help but laugh when he showed me the picture.  

I challenge all of you to try this at the next concert you go to.  It is pretty funny, but don't get caught.  That was pretty scary!

Until tomorrow...

The day is almost over....

So it was as bad/good as you could expect.  You will all get some good laughs from this day.  First of all, I start the day with $30 and a couple of credit cards.  So I get to the train station in the morning.  You have to buy a parking card and the minimum you can put on it is $20.  Oh yeah, and you can only use cash.  You think that whoever owns this place pays anything on his income.  I am guessing in some miraculous way, he breaks just even every year and pays no taxes on his cash income.  Anyway, so I get on the train with $10 and a couple of credit cards.  I then proceed to pay $5.75 to get downtown.  Of course the only thing the conductor will take is, you guessed it, cash.  So I am down to $4.25 before I get downtown.  I knew this was bad, but I thought everyone took credit nowadays.  

So I hop on the bus downtown and I don't want to be late for my first day.  What an impression that would be.  I ask the driver if we are going to Michigan and Hubbard.  She says yes.  She then proceeds to drive in the wrong direction.  I hop up and ask her again.  She replies, "Yeah, eventually".  What a joke, I want to take control of the bus and drive it off an unfinished road like in Speed, but I don't act on these yearnings. (Kacey would be proud) Instead I ask if I can get off here.  She cordially obliged.  Luckily, I already had my CTA pass, so I still have $4.25.  I hop in a cab and tell him I only have credit.  He asks me to get out. 

Now, I am almost late, 10 blocks away, and down to my measly $4.25.  I flag another cab and just don't tell him I only have plastic.  We get to the Wrigley building and I hand him the credit card.  He tells me that he doesn't accept credit cards.  I think about pretending to not speak English like so many cabs have done to me, but I play this one above board.  I tell him he can either call in the credit card or he won't get paid based on my lack of an alternative.  He grudgingly called in my credit card. Whew, still have my $4.25.

So the day goes great.  I met a bunch of people whose names I will never remember.  I try to complete my survey on how to use the Internet and fail.  Therefore, the director of interactive marketing is blocked from using the Internet until they can vouch that I am capable.  Someone comes from the help desk to try to explain to me how to use Internet explorer.  Funny how he figures out that there is something wrong with my computer and he can't pass either.  I find it ironic and downright funny, he is not amused.  What a bad sport. 

I get through the day and am supposed to go to a retirement party for some higher up.  Given that this is my first day and I haven't even heard this guy's name much less met him, I decide to work a little and head home.  This is where the day gets interesting. 

I was planning on taking the water taxi to the train station.  Since I know I have to use my credit card to buy a ticket home, I see an open taxi at the door of the Wrigley building and hop in.  Again, I "forget" to tell him I only have credit until we get to the train station.  Same exercise, he cusses me out, refuses to accept the credit card and finally calls it in.  So by this point I have 20 minutes to buy my train card and get on my train. 

I am fearing missing my train at this point so I run the entire 200 yards underground in 120 degree heat to try to make it.  Now I know you are thinking David Hasselhoff in Baywatch, but think the big slobbering dog in Turner and Hooch.  I, not so gracefully lumber the entire distance slightly wet with perspiration by the end.  Keep in mind, 20 full trains idle underground here and the engine heat keeps it a balmy 120 degrees. 

So I get to the counter to buy my ticket and I tell the lady what I need.  She tells me the price and reaches out for it.  I hand her a credit card.  She throws it back under the glass and waves her finger.  I laugh and can't figure out her problem.  She just sits there and stares at me.  Now through the 8 inch thick tinted glass, I can't possibly communicate audibly with her so I motion to hand her the credit card again.  She just shakes her finger and points to a sign.  They only accept Cash or Paper Check.  You have got to be kidding me.  I live in a world that I can buy books on my cell phone, record shows at home via the Internet, and most of us don't have wired remotes hooked up to our TVs anymore and I can't use a credit card to pay for parking or a train ticket.  YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!  I show her my wallet and try to tell her I have $4.25.  She flashes a digital readout showing I need $5.75.  I ask her what I am supposed to do.  She tells me to borrow money from someone.  

Great, now I am relegated to the person that walks through the line and needs a little money to get home.  I love my life at this point.  I humble myself and start asking a few people.  Now I know how bums feel.  People wouldn't even look me in the eye, no one spoke English all of the sudden, and generally people started to try to physically avoid me.  Finally, I go back up and try to buy the ticket that will get me the closest to home.  I plan on calling Kacey and making her come pick me up where ever that is.  The lady finally says, "here, fill this out".  She writes in a sharpie - UNABLE TO PAY - SHORT $1.75.  She then takes my $4 and tells me to keep the quarter because "I might need it".  I thought about taking a run at the glass, or hulking out on her, but my day had already taught me enough lessons, so I pass.  I get my ticket, miss my original train by 1 minute and 26 seconds, and finally get home an hour late.  

I can't wait to go to bed, fall asleep, forget about today, and move on with my new life tomorrow.  But, secretly I can't wait to dream about handling that situation how I really wanted to...  Complete with brass knuckles, a portable credit card machine, and the incredible hulk as my commuting companion.  What sweet dreams I plan on having tonight...

Until tomorrow...

Day one - Real World

For those of you who have gone fishing, you know where I am today.  You know, the pre-dawn wake up, the groggy sense of being, and the realization that you are up before the sun.  Only to take some helpless invertebrate and slide a metal hook throughout its whole body while this animal knew its only reason for living will fall to the black depths as you have failed to meticulously skewer its body correctly and its life will fall in vain with your hopes of catching a fish to the bottom of the lake.  I guess the wake up and the groggy were more what I was talking about, but the fishing thing brought back great memories.

Anyway, I just had a piece of giordanos pizza.  I thought if i was working in the city, I better start off right.  I used one napkin for my bib, one for my lap, and plastic surgical gloves over my hands.  I didn't want to smell like pizza on my first day, and worst yet, I didn't want to wear a piece on my shirt.  What kind of a tool would show up to work on their first day with a big pizza stain.  Quite professional the first impressions would be!!! 

Well, off to the new world of employment again.  Too bad I never cashed in on that Cobra insurance.  

Music, Anniversary and Anxiety - One Grand Day

Okay, I will get the concert over before getting into an overly deep and emotional appeal for everyone to donate enough money for me to retire for real and not actually go back to work tomorrow.

Last night's concert was great.  Nothing like a night of drunk cowboys with more John Deere and Carhardt apparel than a Farm & Fleet superstore.  Other than the occasional rowdy, overly imbibed individual, most of the ropers invited us in with open arms.  I think we had a free pass as my wife wore a John Deere green ball cap that said, "She thinks my tractors sexy".  Just for the record, I don't own a tractor, but if I did, it would be a Deere or a Cat.  

So, after leaving the concert with 55,000 of our new friends, it is a LONG walk back to the hotel we stayed at.  So I hire this girl (Kacey insists it was a guy) on one of those bicycles with the two seats on the back.  I ask her how much for a ride back to our hotel.  She looks at me, realizes the enormity of the situation and asks for $15 for a few blocks.  By this time we had walked far enough to be willing to pay just about anything.  We agree, knowing that i would easily pay her $20 if she can in fact move someone my size that far.  We get to talking, which definitely works against her.  She seems to save as much oxygen as she can by answering one word answers.  I feel bad for her so we finally see a cab, flag it down, and release this poor girl from her bondage.  I gave her $20, believe me, she earned it.  

So we stayed at the Peninsula Hotel.  Now, around 11:30pm we walk into the lobby.  This weekend was also Kacey and my 6 year wedding anniversary.  We were married at the Peninsula so we decided to stay there and rekindle some of those romantic fires.  You should have seen the maitre d' as we walked in with full country regalia and sat in their high tea room.  The guy gives me a menu as if to scare me off with the prices.  Very stuffy fellow.  He then informs me of the price of the chocolate bar.  We ordered a couple of drinks to toast our marriage and each had the chocolate bar.  For anyone who has never tried the hotel's chocolate buffet, you have to try it once in your life.  You have never seen anything like it!!!  Friday and Saturday nights, they put out hundreds of pieces of chocolate.  While we had to dip into Maddie's college fund to afford it, it is worth it.  I am thinking that I could import a few young children from a third world country, buy the ingredients, and pay them minimum wage to cook all of that chocolate at home and still be financially better off.  I think that Kacey may stop yet another great idea, but I think I could save money this way.  Anyway, I smiled at the waiter, left a nominal 15% tip, and went upstairs.

Well, now it is almost midnight.  I am cherishing the moments as they quickly pass as I am still unemployed today.  My official last day, though not for much longer.  I had a great time, but to tell you the truth, I am looking forward to going back.  I really enjoy what I do and think that I am going to be able to do more in the new job than I could do at the old.  Of course, that is naivete speaking as the grass is always greener on the other side.  I am blissfully ignorant as to the situation I am walking into.  I may hate it.  I may love it.  At this point I am just pissed I have to wake up at 5am just to make it into the office on time tomorrow.  What a great start, 8am meeting.  My admin has assured me my calendar will never see another 8am.  I told her that my calendar may slip up and see one again, but she will never see me there for it.  I told her that if for some reason, someone one lacking a grasp on normal life would want to schedule a meeting that early again, that they will be sitting in a room alone until I show up at 9am.

Well, I guess I should try to get some sleep.  I have to travel in a car, train, and boat just to get to the office tomorrow.  Having never done this, I am somewhat looking forward to the people, the sights, and the stories that precede me.  

Until tomorrow...

Day 22 - Redneck hoedown

I am going to the Kenny Chesney/Keith Urban/Leann Rimes concert tonight.  Given that Alberto confiscated my laptop and Wrigley hasn't granted me one yet, I won't be blogging tonight.  But, just wait until tomorrow.  I have a new game I am going to try out.  Check back tomorrow to hear about how my "PhotoBombing" went.  

Until Tomorrow...

Day 21 - Reminiscing on what just happened

It's kind of weird. When I set off on this journey, I expected to run out of things to do. For those of you who have been with me the last 3 weeks, you have seen that I have been able to grudgingly fill my days. Some have been fun. Some not so fun. I feel like a Barry Manilow song, "I made it through the rain" (or days in my world). Yes, believe it or not, I know who Barry Manilow. I have to thank/hate my wife for the honor of not only knowing him, but also seeing him in concert 3 times. I can blame the first time on her, but I guess I have to take some (not much) responsibility for the rest of the trips. I don't remember, but I think I really screwed up (surprising I know) and took her to the concerts as a make up.

But, Yes, I made it through the 3 weeks. I can't say as though I have come through unaffected. I now know why we work so hard throughout our lives. There is something at the end. But that has gotten me thinking. Why do we work so hard throughout our lives to retire at the end? I see some people that retire and die, or retire and have a stroke. There should be some sort of gamble you could take as to how much money you are going to make in your lifetime. I think that I have it worked out in my head (yeah, stop laughing, I really do). I see it working like this:

1. You are 18. You get everyone's opinion of how successful you are going to be in life. You hope that they are honest, because you are going to be left hanging if you are wrong. So I would have taken a big bet out as I am overly confident in my own skills.

2. For argument's sake, I bet that I will make $5 million by the time I should retire. And, with my body being an absolute temple (some would say to Buddha), I envision myself living to 90. So I get 25 years and $5 million, adjusted for inflation.

3. I actually enjoy my next 25 years while I can still do crazy things. Like bungee jumping. Can you imagine me bungee jumping when I retire? My legs would still be in the straps and the rest of my wrinkled self would be on the mat in a heap of skin and bones, at least what's left of them after 80 years of osteoporosis. I can go mountain climbing. I can afford a cool car to drive really fast. I am able to live a retired life, when I can most enjoy it.

Who wants to retire at 75 with a bunch of money and needing someone to push you in a wheel chair and change your diaper? It's great if you like 5pm early bird suppers at all you can eat buffets and going to bed at 8 only to wake up 3 times to pee in the middle of the night. Half your morning is taken up with figuring out your drugs just to keep you alive and your body is dealing with the effects of 75 years of life and you are trying to "enjoy" your golden years. Yes, you can golf all you want, but who wants to take 5 strokes to hit the fairway even though every shot went straight. I just don't see the benefit of waiting to retire!!!

4. The catch is that when your "retirement" period is over, you now work the rest of your life or until you pay off the debt. That still leaves room for those really smart folks who seem to succeed no matter what. You know who they are. The 23 year old who sold his company to Google and now has nothing left to do in life but globe trot and party.

5. If you don't earn enough or put enough time in there will be punishments. This keeps everyone from overestimating their retirement years and income in the beginning. It would have to be really bad too, just to ensure that no one wanted to try to cheat the system. Like going the rest of your life with no toilet paper or really rough toilet paper. Can you imagine at 75 having to wipe your rear with semi-sandpaper? Not only would I just choose to go in my pants, I would flaunt my choice! Or maybe, you would be forbidden from eating solids. Every meal would be liquid. Can you imagine the life you would live never eating solids again? Maybe that is just a personal fear of mine after seeing the stuff my daughter has to eat. That is why I will never get into a fight. I am afraid of not eating for a while. Sorry, a little off topic.

Well, just my thought on retirement. I have thoroughly enjoyed myself, had a lot of laughs and wanted to cry at times. Well, not really, but it sounded so poetically natural. Now, this weekend will be like any other weekend until I reach my next retirement period. Just a 2 day break until the man puts his finger on the small of my back and pushes me back to a capitalist society that expects years of hard labor for a nominal return only to lose my best years satisfying someone else's expectations. If you can't tell already, I am optimistic about my return to reality.

Until tomorrow...

Day 20 - Problems Alleviated

Amazing!!!  I wake up this morning and there is the electrician working on our pool, some guys filling in the 4 foot trench through my backyard, side yard and half the front yard, cement guy measuring for forms, and water filling the pool the rest of the way.  Funny how everyone now seems to be able to work.  I guess the perfect storm of delays has finally passed and we are now ready to proceed.  The planets and stars have aligned and today, finally, there is progress being made again at the Rupczynski house!

On a good note, with funds running low and more and more people wanting checks, I caught a break.  On a side note, it is amazing how all contractors can be weeks behind on their work, but their contracts guarantee them their money.  As a joke, I told one of them that I didn't have their check.  He told me that no further work would get done until they got their check.  I told him to do the last 2 weeks worth of work that they were supposed to have completed, and then tell me that they are going to stop working.  You have to be making progress or have movement in some direction in order to stop.  otherwise, you are simply continuing non-motion.  

Back to my break.  I had some issues with expense checks at Alberto.  Funny, in some sort of spite, they sent all my latest expense reports back.  They made me break out my hotel charges by day.  Let me tell you, you never want to break out daily charges, in a foreign currency, convert the charges, provide in triplicate, in blood.  This was the biggest waste of time, but I did it to get my money.  A man's gotta eat!  And those of you who know me well, know that I eat well.

So, I drop off the reports and a friend grabs lunch with me.  We talk nonsense for a while and then, the best part of the story.  He picks up the tab.  Being unemployed, you get worried about these things.  Believe me, in this economy people worry.  I once had an agency that wanted to take me to Olive Garden for dinner.  Now this agency charged a lot of money, but they wanted to take me to Olive Garden???  You gotta be kidding me.  The economy does weird things with your head.

Now, I have a great ending to this day.  I have class.  Mind you, I haven't been to this class for the last 5 sessions.  I made it to the first class, but with the traveling of the last few weeks, I haven't been able to attend.  So I get to the classroom and no one is there.  Granted, I showed up about 15 minutes late.  So I am walking out, and I walk by my class.  They have switched classrooms.  As I walk in I mumble some explanation and the teacher informs me that they kept a sign up for the last 4 classes telling people that they moved rooms.  Now, everyone snickers and I take my seat.  I love grad school.  What I wouldn't give for this to be over.

In a strange way, I am missing Gibson.  I could really use a massage.  This whole real world thing is not the best for my neck and shoulders.  I can't imagine actually going back to work next week.

Tomorrow should be fun.  I get to take Maddie to her first swimming class.  Now, of course it won't be at my house.  MY POOL WOULD HAVE TO BE DONE!!!  

Until tomorrow...

Day 19 - Welcome back to reality

Today was the first day back in reality, otherwise known as Chicago.  Being home has made me realize that I will actually have to work for a living.  As I woke up every morning, or afternoon, in Florida, nothing felt real.  It was nice and all, but in the back of my mind was this encroaching thought that it wasn't going to last forever.  For those of you who took the two week sojourn to Florida in your minds, i am as sorry as you are that it is over.

As this whole retirement thing is coming to an end, I am considering continuing this blog.  Some of you found it mildly amusing, while I am sure most of you found it a simple way to escape actually working.  If the traffic continues to increase, even nominally, I will continue this experiment, but if it drops below 2 people a day, I will probably give it up.  I will have a new link for the site once I have it set up.  I will import all of these posts over, but I will refresh the page as to get away from the retirement theme.  Again, I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I already have the new page.

So back to my day.  I had the pool guy at 12, the landscape lady at 1, grabbed lunch, sprinkler guy at 3, and the pest control guy at 4.  Finally, I had a Charles Manson look a like quoting a project when he could show up, which was about 7.  So much for enjoying the 5 days I have left. I looked forward to going back to work after today.  It makes me wonder how my wife juggles all these things plus a rambunctious 7 month old.

How many plants do you think you can stuff into a backyard?  Well, my hippie, pot smoking landscaper came up with almost 500.  I thought she was crazy, or high, but she insists it is the right plan for the yard.  I tried to inform her that I don't live in a plant nursery and that I don't have any plants that I need to hide among 500 plants like she does.  Something tells me she has a lot of 5 leaf plants mixed among her legitimate plants in her backyard.  I asked her if i get a rope swing and small jungle animals with the complete foliage covering, she just giggles a bit.  I think I mentioned her before, but she really does scare me a little bit.  

My pool guy informs me that he couldn't possibly have progressed on the pool in 2 weeks due to the enormous amount of delays.  Permit delays, Inspector delays, Electric delays, mother board delays, weather delays.  Seems we have had the perfect storm.  I asked him how many pools he was this far behind on and we seem to be the only one delayed.  Interesting how I drew the short straw on this one.  Good thing is that the pool LED lights, 4 fountains, backyard ground lighting, and sprinkler system will all work on one remote now.  Due to the delay, they have upgraded the mother board.  Kacey is so excited she can barely contain herself. She loves when I speak of mother boards.

Finally, I wanted a door cut in the side of my garage so i didn't have to walk all the way around to get stuff in/out of the garage.  My father in law tells me he has this guy that will do it on the side.  He doesn't make appointments, he comes when he has time.  Of course he does...  Anyway, he shows up tonight.  When I answer the door, I immediately look for hidden cameras outside as this guy is a perfect image of Charles Manson down to the beard.  He is fidgety and talks real strange!  So, I lock Kacey and Maddie in the house and show him where the door is to go.  He takes a buck knife off his belt buckle.  For the second time in a week (remember Gibson) I look for a place to run.  He parlays my fears by walking up to the house, stabbing his knife in, and cutting a piece of siding off my house.  My jaw hits the ground.  This guy just knifed a jagged 1 foot section of siding off my house.  He sees my astonishment, and says, "how'd you think I was going to match the color?" I ask him, "Did you think about asking?  I have 3 sheets of the stuff in the basement."  He laughs and admits that would have been better.  To make it even better I tell him I have the manufacturer, color, and pattern written down for him.   He starts playing with the knife blade with his thumb while he listens.  I tell him that it is fine and I always thought that section hung slightly crooked anyway.  He leaves, I hug Kacey and Maddie and tell them I love them. 

I don't like this working life, but I think I have 30 years of it left.  Can't wait...

Day whatever with a few rants mixed in...

So today was the travel day at the end of the vacation that everyone dreads.  I usually start dreading this day on the first day of vacation, but with no job, no blackberry, and 2 weeks in Florida, I put it off until this morning.  You know when you wake up things are not going to go well, given it is the 1,000th automated telephone call we got on vacation that seems to have served as our stand in for an alarm clock.  I would blow something up if I lived in Florida and regularly got those calls.  Selling DirecTV, selling new mortgage, selling crap!!!!  I wanted to follow the phone number, find out the business that was making those calls, and sit outside the owners house every morning at 3am and use a loud speaker to just "talk" with him.  I could have done that every morning and sacrificed my whole vacation had it not been for my wife who talked me down off the ledge.  Sometimes I wonder how many times I would have been arrested if not for being married.  

This morning, due to our early morning phone call, my wife changed course.  She wanted to change our flight back a few days so she could do exactly that.  She wanted to find out who was behind the "bankruptcy hotline" and deal with them.  Fortunately, I was able to calm her and we went on our day.

Now, neither of us ever came down off the ledge as today was just one bad thing after another.  Of course we are running late.  I walk into Walgreens to grab something really quick on the way to the airport and there is only one person working the counter and one customer in front of me.  The problem was the customer was high on something, had on a 2 inch skirt, and obviously had worked the whole night!  Really bad situation.  She is mumbling, can't find her money (even though she has no pockets), and is generally unaware of her surroundings.  I think about offering to pay her for a half hours time and asking her to just sit in the corner so I can check out and move on with my day.  Instead, I pay her $3 bill and get her out of my way.  

Then, we get to the airport.  Running late as usual, I try to check my bags at the curb.  Now, we have 5 suitcases for the 2 ladies and myself.  While we have a full set of clothes already in Florida so we don't have to travel with clothes, we seem to fill 5 suitcases.  My wife blames this on Maddie, but that is because the baby can't defend herself.  Actually, she does defend herself by pooping 3 times on the plane and generally smelling up the entire coach cabin, but that is just icing on the cake at that point.

Let me note that I love United.  After flying a great airline like American for 6 years, I am forced to switch back to United with my new job.  Just wanted to reiterate how much I love United. 

So back to my check in story.  I want to check 4 bags and carry one suitcase on.  After 10 minutes trying to get this through to the englishly challenged curbside check in attendant ( I think that is what his business card said), he then walks off with our id's and motions he will return.  It may have been sign language telling me where to go, but I am hoping for the best.  After 15 more minutes, I have to send another agent to look for him.  I think it was just wondering around inside, but we will never know.  The other agent kindly informs us that we will have to check our bags inside as they can't accept our money for the two additional suitcases that are over our 1 bag per person limit.

In case anyone forgot, I Really Love United Now.

So we go inside.  The lovely agent that finally waits on us after a 15 minute wait in the premiere executive line.  She weighs each bag and seems to relish the fact that one bag is 3 pounds over weight.  While all of the others are significantly underweight, this one must be addressed.  

I love United!!!!

I take some shoes and some power cords out and put them in the smallest bag.  She then goes and re-weighs each bag.  Now I haven't touched the first 2 bags, but she re-weighs them just in case we missed something the first time.   At this point - T-minus 45 minutes to take off.  I am pissed, Kacey is melting down, and Maddie has found her voice and serenades us with a high pitched wail version of Jimmy Hendrix All Along the Watchtower.  I just want one more person to do something stupid to justify what I am about to do.

To try to shorten the rest of the day:

-We get into an argument with the security guy who doesn't want to let us through with breast milk.  He questions how he knows what it is.  Kacey suggests that he taste it. (Actually, I am quite surprised she didn't lunge over the x-ray machine and grab his shirt and pour in down his throat. She's had Maddie strapped to her chest in the baby Bjorn for over an hour with the baby shrieking with joy at her highest possible decibel range!) Supervisor reprimands him and apologizes.

-We are in the back of the plane with a bunch of child haters who glare every time Maddie starts back up with All Along the Watch Tower in high C

-The flight attendant lets me know it is against policy to let me just stand in the back with my daughter who so obviously needs to be walked.  I ask her to inform everyone around my seat of this policy.  She refuses.

-Maddie is scared of her room.  Never seen it before, apparently known as baby amnesia, am at my wit's end, but she refuses to go into her room.  I think of drugging her and putting her in there anyway, but relent and just let her play on the floor until she passes out.  Then Kacey puts her in there anyway.  Hope she doesn't wake up any time soon.

-Pool is 4 weeks behind, was promised to be finished upon our return. No work has been done.  Have 24 inch tire ruts through my front yard.  Gravel and dirt are my backyard.  pool cannot be entered.  Will make a very serious phone call first thing tomorrow.

Did I mention I love United Airlines!!!!!!!!!

Until tomorrow, late tomorrow, I am going to sleep in!

Day 17 - A whole new twist on golf in retirement

Warning!! If you haven't read the post on the guys I met in the pool, go back and read that post prior to this post. I don't want to give their whole stories again; they weren't that interesting the first time. Anyway, they turned out to be a pretty uninteresting bunch for the last week or so, but after much prodding, they convinced me to go golfing with them today. Apparently, the senior discount at this golf course was enough to justify a trip to the links. Here are a few good stories from my day.

First of all, Henry, while slightly incontinent, could really hit a golf ball. I hope that at 60 I can hit a ball like he hits at 80. Again, feisty New Yorker that seemed to control all situations. Just like someone from the East Coast to think that the world revolves around them, quick temper, and thinks that just because he drops the F word that everyone is going to stop and listen to him. Still has that accent and attitude, but the starter had to let him know that no matter how badly he wanted to tee off, he had to wait for the couple in front of him. He complained that the starter let the couple - in a cart - off before us. Now, we are 3 OLD people and a really bad golfing sidekick. There was no way that we were going to keep up with the couple in front of us, but Henry wanted nothing to do with that.

Frankie came along also. It was the first time I actually saw someone get hit on the golf course. Granted I could roll the ball faster than he hit it, but it still looked like it hurt. I think he mumbled "four" right after it hit this guy, but I wasn't sure. He hit the ball straight sideways directly into a green we had just come off. So the rest of the day we had a mad guy right behind us that kept trying to hit us. The three geezers I was with wanted to go fight him, but I talked them off the ledge.

Dom was the final in our foursome. He was decent, but couldn't remember anything. It was kind of weird to golf with someone that didn't really know where he was, what he was doing there, and had a pretty decent game, but we had to fill him in on the details afterwards. It's hard to criticize the poor guy for cheating when he doesn't even know how he got to the course in the first place. He kept asking me when i joined the group.

So, we had a pretty boring day all things said. The only somewhat funny thing, besides the guy getting hit, was I bet Henry I could play the last hole better than him with a putter. He could use all his clubs and I played the whole hole with a putter. We both ended up with 8's. Henry should have won, but it took him 3 shots to get out of the sand. Though I have to say, I hit a mean 125 yard drive with my putter. I am considering teeing off with my putter in future rounds. At least i wouldn't lose the ball!

Good day, kind of boring, but my time here in Clearwater is coming to an end. I will miss it, but I have a ton of great memories. I can't imagine going back to Chicago. Well, the pool should be done, so i can try to emulate Florida from the privacy of my backyard. We will see.

Until Tomorrow...

Day 16 - A day completely dedicated to me

Happy first father's day to me! Today was my first father's day and even though I am not with my extended family, I am with the 2 people that matter most to me in life, my wonderful wife and my newest addition to my family, Maddie.

I know she is going to be daddy's girl by how excited Maddie was to celebrate my day with me! She woke me up at midnight just to be the first to wish me happy father's day. She was overcome with tears for this exciting moment. Once I calmed her down, I put her back to sleep and assured her we would have plentiful time to celebrate during our normal waking hours. She agreed, the tears subsided, and she fell back asleep.

Again, overcome with excitement, she woke me up at 5am. Again, I don't think she could imagine a day like this passing without watching the sun come up over the intercoastal. While I was moved by her loving gesture, i tried to assure her that she would have ample time to spend with me on this special day. Now, it took much convincing, 2 feedings, and a bottle to convince her that I was right, but she finally succumbed to the inevitable sleep that I sorely lacked at this point.

So we all slept in until 1pm. Great way to start off father's day, but laid the groundwork for a perfect day. I got to watch the US Open, the Nascar race, the next food network star (Kacey's one granted wish on my day) and finally game 6 of the NBA playoffs. We had bacon and pepperoni pizza for dinner and Maddie went to bed early.

It could not have been a better day!!! I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful family and for them to give me exactly what i wanted on this day: Good food, lots of sports on TV, and multiple naps. I only wish father's day took place on more than one day a year. We can all wish, can't we?

Until tomorrow...

Day 15 - An Original

Well, what do you do on a day that just meanders along and you really don't have any purpose? You go to the mecca of fried chicken. But, hold on, not just any wing mecca, you go to Hooters. But again, not just any Hooters. How many people know that the original Hooters is located in lovely Clearwater, Florida. Still surround by a couple of pawn shops within walking distance and the museum of beers.

So, we packed Maddie up and went for chicken. Now, for any of you that think Hooters portrays women in a poor light and want to rally against them for their degradation, I will join you. But probably for very different reasons. I think the waitresses at the original Hooters tenure their waitstaff making it close to impossible to get rid of anyone. I am pretty sure had my mother been with me, she would have been the youngest woman in the restaurant. Now, this is slightly better than the Melrose Park location in which the only time I was there we had a pregnant waitress. I am guessing that Hooters does not offer a great maternity leave package.

Anyway, I had a mid-fifties waitress who was very pleasant. I am guessing mid-fifties in case she reads this and gets offended by my real guess. She called me son. Now, no waitress, but least of all a Hooters waitress should ever call you son. If I am young enough to be called son, you are too old to be working there.

The food was good and Maddie loved the atmosphere. All the waitresses stopped over and showed my pictures of their grandkids. Only theirs were getting their licences and going to prom. Just another disappointing reststop in retirement.

One last story. So I told my waitress that I retired. She told me she had me beat by a few years. No joke!

Until tomorrow...

Lucky Day 14 - Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th. IT'S A SIGN!!! of something...

Well, anyway, since today was in fact Friday the 13th, i decided to see if it would bring me luck. I have run out of many of the things that I usually do on my 4 day trips to Clearwater. There has always been something that I have wanted to do, an now I have a perfect reason. I went in search of my sunglasses.

While I think it is really funny all the jokes I have been sent regarding my missing sunglasses, I decided that before my new ones come from eBay, I owed it to myself to find my old ones. So, I went to the pawn stores. Now, if you have never been to Clearwater mainland, it is nothing like Clearwater Beach. There are 2 pawn shops on every block. I have always wanted to stop and shop, but never have the guts. Every pawn shop is lined with guns. I always thought it was odd to have working firearms so close to the liqueur stores, but hey, its Florida. Most residents are in wheel chairs. Another quick note, do you know that they have drive through liqueur stores here. Seems kind of odd to go through the drive through to pick up a 40, but hey, sounds good to me.

So anyway, I go into the first pawn shop not really knowing what to expect. But, if you have these crazy ideas of what it would be like and who would be in these shops, you are right. No matter what came to mind, you are right. I will give you a quick overview of some of the things I saw.

First of all, being the naive person I am, I walk into the first shop and ask where their sunglasses they have. Now, I know that they probably don't really have my glasses, but i wanted to play the role all the way in order to fully entertain myself. The guy, lacking educated English and a few teeth to boot, asks me what kind of glasses I am looking for. Again, I naively tell him my story and leave out a few details as to have something to contribute providing this conversation continues. He tells me that he can get them in a few hours. Seeing his store and obviously knowing that he is going to call someone to go steal them, I decline and leave. The last thing that I want on this vacation is a ride in a cop car.

So I walk into the second pawn shop, exact same story. He wants to know exactly what kind and model I had. Like he is going to call around to the other pawn shops and give them a model number and brand. Yeah, in the aisle between small revolvers with no serial numbers and the 12 inch gold chains by the hundreds, that is where last years Revo aviator sunglasses are stocked.

So I finally walk 100 feet and walk into the 3rd pawn shop. I leave the sunglass issue behind me and decide to just experience the pawn shop for what it is. So, in this shop, there is the same guy behind the desk. Uneducated English, missing a few teeth or they are in the dark shadows or already dark teeth, with a ballcap on yet too dirty to tell the team, and a shirt that was never washed except in sweat, grease, and a little mustard. Amazing, I think the three pawn shop owners were triplets. In fact, I think that they get discounts on their clothing when they buy them in 3's.

Anyway, this shop turns out to be fun. There is a guy at the front desk with the owner discussing some merchandise. The guy doing the selling is of another ethnicity. But to avoid discrimination, and any unnecessary issues with this posting, that ethnicity shall remain in my head. Though, he is exactly who i thought I would see here. He has 10 children's DVDs, a couple of gold chains, a ring, and finally an electric turkey carving knife. Now, this guy has not been married, may very well have kids though i am pretty sure not by a sober woman, and is not old enough to have ever used an electric carving knife. I laugh as all three of us know he has some "hot" merchandise. I always wanted to use that word in the right context. I pretend to be naive to what is going on though i knew if he asked to see any of the firearms I was out the door.

While those 2 haggle over the prices of each item, including each DVD at a different price, I take a look around. Though, I can't help but wonder how the owner knows that Sponge Bob Squarepants is going to fetch $5 while Bob the Builder is only going to fetch $3. He must be up on the children's DVD commodities market. Secondly, i wonder, what is so funny about the name Bob that all of these cartoons use the name. i happen to think it is a completely respectful and adult name that should not be mocked in the course of animations.

Anyway, so i look around. First of all, if you ever bought something from a infomercial, I have figured out where it goes after you use it once and give it away really thinking that they person you gave it to not only wants it, but doesn't know you used it once and didn't really want it. Everything from the 3 chia pets to the flowbe was on these shelves. old guitars, cigarette ash trays, and the ubiquitous gold chains. I thought we made a lot of bottles of vo5 shampoo, there are hundreds of the same gold chains everywhere I went today.

Well, I have to be honest. I was looking for one additional thing. Years ago, not that many, when i was young, my dad bought this strange mechanical Monkey thing. It would clap these symbols, and talk. Well, it wouldn't really talk, most like make these strange screeching noises. I thought it was cool when i was younger. I just remember him really liking this thing and how no one else did. It looked a little possessed and scared most children. I have kept it all these years. The only problem was that the battery cover was lost over the years. Now, no one has ever heard of this thing, ever seen one, and I can't even buy extra parts on ebay. I never thought I would search for something on eBay and not find it, but it is the case. So, I am looking for a new Petey the Monkey. I am sure those of you who have laboriously read this far, expect me to say that I found it in this pawn shop or something hair raisingly cool like that. No, I just thought if I was to ever stumble upon something like that, it would have to be in a pawn shop in clearwater Florida.

Well, there were a few other really strange people/stories from my day, but it is late and I am going to go to bed.

Until Tomorrow...

Day 13 - Guess who's back???

Right at 8am, the side of the building erupts into a spray of a gas powered power washer on full speed. My friend must have gotten things taken care of yesterday and has thus returned to spread his almost English speaking rage against my helpless 7 month old little girl. It is kind of funny since she woke up earlier than this already, so his misguided rage, probably brought on by being dropped as a child, really accomplished him nothing. I am confused on how he really thought that coming back and being loud the next day was really going to accomplish him anything. I thought of some simple yet productive responses. Like letting the air out of all 4 of his tires or simply spilling a cup of water on his nice expensive power washer. Then I thought of the crazy guy who stabbed all of those people in Japan and decided that while he wasn't Asian or in my opinion fully intellectually capable of wielding a blade bigger than his thumb, I probably shouldn't push my luck now that I have my daughter. Just what i need to do is to electrocute myself while I am getting the power washer guy back. Anyway, I walked by the nice young man as I took a walk with Maddie and let him know that he missed a spot on the wall. We exchanged a few extra pleasantries and I went on with my day. I came back to a dirty front door, but feeling quite adult as to how I handled the situation. I just can't wait until he realizes what i wrote on the back window of his truck!

Day 12 - What a long day

Well, today they decided to power wash our walls and prep the building for painting, all at 7am. Now keep in mind that maddie goes to sleep at 1am and usually sleeps till 11am. She did not find this amusing at 7am. Thus, neither did Kacey find this amusing when she was awoken by power washing through the monitor and then seconds later by the wailing of my small child. So then, the only interesting part of the day happens.

This young, 20 something white male is laughing and joking outside my condo. So i go outside to ask them to start with another part of the condo. He looks at me and starts to feign some foreign language and fakes like he can't understand me. So I then explain to him that his boisterous voice carried through the wall like nails on a chalkboard, that I am not stupid, and that my wife understands multiple eastern European languages and his crude mixture of words he has heard his grandma say is not going to pass for a language barrier.

So this guy won't drop the ignorance. I get really pissed off and unplug his power washer, I figured that was a language he could understand. So then he gets all tough and makes some menacing gestures and still has this great accent that seems to have migrated from Eastern European to Spanish, and now sounds like Ali G. So then I motion that if he doesn't stop, that I am going to throw the power washer off the third floor to the parking lot below. So he gives me the finger and turns it back on.

Now, I knew I was in the right, otherwise I might not have pushed it this far. I politely return the gesture and go back in my condo. My wife is interested in what I will do next. Anyone who knows me and my wife knows this best, is that I won't drop something like this. I will not let it go and I will figure out a way to return the friendly wake up that I have gotten.

Being down here last year, I remember that Clearwater has an ordinance against starting anything before 8am. Old people don't like to be woken up and I am not sure what that has to do with age as I think i hate it more. They can usually sleep in all day so they should be more forgiving. Anyway, I remember this great statute and decide to act.

So I call the Police. Yes, I know this is drastic, but I am hoping that they will bring a translator for my foreign friend. They show up and this guy scurries to shut the machinery down. I love watching this from my window. So I decide that I would be of great assistance to the officer if I could offer my wife's translation services. I know how much of a struggle I had in communicating with this guy, so i am sure the officer will struggle just the same.

I go downstairs and introduce myself. I start out by offering my translation services to a confused officer. He tells me that the guy speaks English. To my astonishment, he actually does. I go into my confused state in my explanation of why he seemed to lack the oratory skills to communicate with me before. I then ask him why he couldn't understand me before. How I am so sorry to waste the officer's time, as I had already tried to explain to the nice man power washing my walls at 7am that it was against the law and that he should shut it off before someone called the police.

What a shame, he got a ticket, couldn't resume working until the ticket was taken care of at city hall, and we had to put our tax dollars to work. I offered him tutoring in the language he was attempting to mimic. He told me where he thought I should go. I wished him good luck taking care of his ticket. I went back to bed. While it took me a while to fall back asleep, I felt satisfied in preserving the sanctity of a beautiful, quiet morning in Clearwater.

Day 11 - Man love from Gibson

Well, I am sure I am going to catch it from a couple of you on this, but in the pursuit of being honest and upfront, I will explain my day. I went to get a massage. Now before you get all bent out of shape and carry on with some all too friendly comments, I said massage, not facial or manicure. This is the most basic of manly pleasures. Just like when a husband comes home from a hard day's work and asks his wife to rub his sore shoulders, I went and got a regular massage to seek relief from my life.

So here is where I got a little scared. They hand me a robe. Now, this is a really nice spa and all, but come on, do you really think that is going to cover me. The receptionist had to have seen me standing in front of her. This robe covered roughly 80% of my body. The only thing that went all the way around was the belt. So then I am stuck in this waiting room for them to come and get me and every time that the door opens I try to cross my legs to keep the unsuspecting eye from gandering upon my manhood. The receptionist must have noticed my exaggerated movements as every time after the first, she would just open the door a crack and speak into the door. Very inconspicuous!

So the next thing I know, Gibson walks through the door. I wish I could have taken a picture of him, but he would have had a picture of me burnt in his mind forever if you get what I am saying. It was taking 2 hands to keep the robe semi-covering my svelte being. Gibson is a 6 foot 9 inch hobbit down to the hair on his fingers. In a deep baritone voice he asks me if I am Bob. Trying not to make small talk, I acknowledge this and ask if he is taking me to my masseuse. He sternly corrects me that he is my masseuse. I instantly look for an open window or a closet with a lock that I could lock myself into. Uncovering no escape route except through the door with Gibson, I hesitantly accept his invitation. He seems to linger just long enough in the doorway that I fear making physical contact with him. Then again, I envision just running full speed into the window and breaking through, even if we are on the second floor.

So I follow him to his/my/our private room. While I have had many a massage, again, just a heterosexual manly massage, I have never had a man touch me like I am fearing lays ahead. He politely informs me that I can lie on the bed. While he steps out I quickly check under the bed for shackles or anything else in the cabinets that he could use to subdue me when I least expect it. Finding nothing, I momentarily find a sense of calm, then I realize that there are no windows in this room and he outweighs even me. I quickly think about calling kacey and leaving the phone in the corner of the room on speaker in case things spiral downwards, but realize that I left all my worldly possessions in my locker. Realizing that there is nothing left to do, I inform my guard outside the room that I am ready for what he has to offer.

So once this crazy sense of fear passes, I realize that Gibson may have not been right in any other career so he decided to take up massage. I shouldn't judge him based on his enormous size. So I close my eyes and say a short prayer.

The next thing I know, Gibson has emptied half a bottle of lotion on my back. He quickly works the lotion from there to my arms, head, shoulders, and entire back.......

I will not get into the details of how this massage went moment by moment. Just know that it ended up being a great massage. Normally I like complete silence during my massages, but Gibson and I talked quite a bit. I figured I'd keep my mind from wandering if I focused on his life story rather than the dreadful scenarios that continued to invade my thoughts. He turned out to be quite "normal"; turns out that he just felt like this was his calling. He gave up another job and moved down here to Florida to follow the massage. Kind of a strange man, big hands (Kacey continues to refer to them as his love paddles), and a good massage. Everything I could have hoped for and more...

Until tomorrow...

Day 10 - bought new glasses

Well, my wonderful wife convinced me not to stake out the pool with video cameras. I had mapped out all of the devices, router, and access points. She thought it was a bit over the top and she thought the person who stole them probably took them home and wasn't actually living here. She is probably right. Sometimes I am really thankful to be married. I would probably do some really dumb stuff without her. Granted I do some dumb stuff, but she helps me avoid the really dumb stuff.

So then, the second good deed of her day. She found my glasses online for half the price I paid for them. Not only that, but I am going to get them in brown and black. What a wife. The really good part of this is that i don't have to figure out how to fake blood on the wanted posters I was going to create. Everything I could think of looked really fake and i wanted an edge of realism to it.

Day 9 - Where are my glasses???

So I know right now, some guy is sitting in his room all proud that he found my sunglasses. There is a remote chance that he in fact thought they were his. Mix together some Alzheimer's, dementia, and the fact he may have owned those glasses when they were popular in the 70's, but i am going to get to the bottom of this.

So let me start the story out right. I got a present from my wife, actually, I got a bunch of gift cards from my wife. I am not a particular person in most regards, but I am quite picky when it comes to my sunglasses. Given the few extra pounds I carry, I don't think that most sunglasses look right on my face. Most squeeze my temples and look like I have John Lennon glasses on my somewhat wide face while the arms of the sunglasses tighten down like a vice on my unsuspecting head. In order to avoid this unflattering look, I take ample time to ensure that the sunglasses I wear fit appropriately. I don't care about the cost, I want them to fit good and feel good. Now I mean that, I don't care if they are $15 blue blockers or $500 Revo sunglasses. I would much prefer the cheaper ones, but that isn't what I usually find.

Sorry, got a little off the story. So my wife, being the dutiful and intelligent wife that she is (See Kacey, I do mention you. And in positive light!!!), she gave me the gift cards so I could go and buy my own glasses. She came with me to the store to pick them out, but finally gave up on me and went shopping in other stores for the afternoon while I picked out my glasses. I honestly never looked at a price until I decided on a pair. Of course they were of the more expensive ilk.

All of that background to get to my story. So I took my sunglasses off today as I was playing with maddie in the pool. Of course, I hit my head on the side of the pool. We were playing this nice little game, Kacey, Maddie and myself. I won't go into the full length of the story, but someone let me hit my head at full speed on the side of the pool. And since as guys, we are never wrong, I will let you guess who made the mistake. Remember that even though Maddie is female, she lacks a cognitive thought process. Deductively, I am sure most can figure out who dropped the ball. Anyway, I go upstairs to calm down, get my eyes uncrossed and take half a bottle of Advil. My wife follows and I leave the glasses by the pool.

Now I come back down a few hours later to grab my glasses and they are gone. Now everyone that was there is still there, and they all look at each other with amazement that they would go missing. One of the 5 old guys sitting there has my glasses and I am going to get them back. I am thinking about going to Best Buy tomorrow and getting a camera. I already have a router down here. Then I can control the camera from back in Illinois. I will scope the pool every day until I see the guy who stole them, wearing them. Then, I will come back down here in person to deal with the situation.

Now I know both of you who read this blog and yes Kacey you are one of two, think it is overkill. I will put it into simply terms. The camera, plane ticket, and bail, will be cheaper than buying the glasses again. I think I will even have some money left over for lunch. I will figure this out, but I need a night to sleep on it. I think that I may just put up some missing posters with the sunglasses on them with some fake blood dripping off the bottom. Just something scary enough to have the person who stole them wonder if I could in fact cause bodily harm if I found them out. Again, I am going to sleep on it and figure out something a little over the top.

Real quick, before i sign off. I know I promised pictures, but here is the problem. while I have a SLR, compact camera, and a video camera down here, Alberto has all my software. To clarify, they made me turn in all of their software when I left. Therefore, i realized that I didn't have anything on this computer to take the photos off the cameras and upload them. The pictures were the least of my concerns. I didn't even have office on this computer. I had to download a 60 day trial from Msoft just to turn my homework in. Nothing like a 400 mb download to send a word doc in. Anyway, I am going to go brainstorm a plan to recover my glasses. God be with the guy who has them, I am coming for you!

Until tomorrow...

Day 8 - Baby proofing the condo

For both of you readers that have actually read this blog, I want you to know that I take the time to try to find the interesting parts of the day and write about them without boring you with insurmountable detail that you would have no interest in. But, today was a difficult one. I really didn't do anything. Weather here in FL is 94 and humid. Sun is relentless. Swam some with Maddie and Kacey, but other than that, I realized that I needed to better baby proof the condo.

First problem - White carpet throughout the condo. Maddie has learned to spit when she is done. So the first couple of ounces of carrots went down great. I spent the next 2 hours trying to get bright orange carrots out of the white carpet. The one thought that kept going through my mind while try unsuccessfully to remove this stain was why the baby food company would dye the carrots brighter orange. There is no way that carrots in their natural form were ever that bright. I think that each baby food maker sees its competitors on shelf and thinks that if their carrots are brighter orange, then the consumer would buy those over the pale orange natural carrots of its competitor. The next time I buy baby food, I am buying the blandest color of baby food regardless of brand to support the honest companies.

Second problem - Full length floor to ceiling windows. I didn't realize that babies might not understand the concept. Something I forgot yesterday, but the same problem. My oldest niece ran full speed into the glass window. There is a guard rail on the outside to give the appearance of an open balcony, but glass to preserve a decent temperature. Same problem today with Maddie. She wanted to look down, I thought she knew there was a window there. Full speed head drop into the window. Took her 30 minutes to get over that one. Then again, it was 15 minutes faster than my 4 year old niece yesterday.

Well, today was a quiet, calm day. I think I could get used to this. Hard to think about everyone that i know having to get up to go to work on Monday. Except maybe my grandfather, who will probably find some more Aloe plants at half the price of last week and return the old ones and buy new. Man, would I love to have his life!!

Until tomorrow...

Day 7 - A special surprise

Today, my little sister came over to visit. She had taken my 2 nieces down to Florida for a little vacation and they drove over to visit. She got here about 1pm so we all went to lunch. So we went to a little Greek restaurant that is known for their pizza. No offense to the Greeks, but I have a problem. What kind of Greek restaurant serves a Gyro that is frozen and then just heated on the stove. I thought that real Greek Gyro meat was slowly cut off the spit as to fully represent the Greek heritage and provide me with the best tasting lamb meat possible. I think they should lose their Greek card for the sandwich I was served. Maybe I am a little sour as it took a couple of tries to even get the pizza right. My sister is allergic to milk products. So she orders her pizza without cheese. When her pizza comes with cheese, the waiter politely explains that he didn't think she really wanted a pizza without cheese. So he acknowledges he heard her order it without cheese, fully understood what she wanted, and then because that is not how he would order it, brings her a different order. Now he has lost his Greek card and capable waiter card. Quite disappointing.

So we spend the day chasing my terror of a 4 year old niece everywhere she shouldn't be and stopping her from doing everything she shouldn't be doing. I have never quite seen a child like her. I know that everyone says that they have one in their family, but anyone that wants to make a bet, name the price. This child has more energy than Jim Carey on crack. I love her, but I would love a little less energy.

Then I take the 2 year old out into the ocean. She sees these big fish about 10 feet out. I am carrying her at this point. She says, "get the fish". So I mockingly chase the fish. Sensing that I am just placating her, she gets upset and tells me to run faster. So she continues to lament my slow running and how the fish are much faster than me. Granted, I might be fat and out of breath, but I don't need a 2 year old reminding me of that. I should have put her down in the water and seen how fast she could have run.

All kidding aside, I couldn't have had a better day. My sister and her kids are so much fun and I love to be around them. I wish I could see them more often. But, onto the special surprise. So my little 2 year old niece is swimming in the pool. None of my man crew from yesterday are around because there is boccie ball on Friday afternoons and usually a shuffleboard game breaks out after, so they are all away without me. Lucky for us, the pool is empty. We look over and there is something brown coming out of her suit. She goes to the bathroom in the pool and her diaper doesn't hold it in. We get her in a towel as soon as we can, but now we have human poop in the pool, in the towel, and on my sister.

So, needless to say, my sister stays for dinner while we wash the swimsuits, towels, and swim diapers. So then it gets me thinking. Given the perfect timing, was my sister just looking for an invite for dinner? We were done with the day and everything was over. She was going to leave as soon as we got out. It is almost as if my sister gave her daughter a sign and she dropped a load in the pool. Perfectly orchestrated to ensure clean bathing suits and a free meal to cap off the day. It worked out just a little too perfect.

Well, until tomorrow...

Day 6 - My new crew and Super Mario

Well, today was somewhat calm when compared to the exciting days in the past week. I woke up around 11am. Seemed early to me, but Maddie wanted to get up so I had to do what was right for her. I played with her for an hour or so and then she went down for a nap. I thought it was great timing and I will try to do the same thing tomorrow.

I wondered down to the pool. Kacey wanted to stay upstairs and read so I thought it would be a great time to swim and get to know the seasoned residents at the pool. Here is an introduction to the crowd.

Henry - Seasoned gentleman of 80 years. Slightly incontinent, hence the adult swim diaper. Hails from the east coast. Even at 80, still has the fight of a long time New Yorker. Talks fondly of his wife and remembers her well even though she passed some 15 years ago. In fact, he was talking about her when I walked up and introduced myself. At first I looked for the person he was talking to, but then realized at that age you should be happy to be talking. Great guy, was a Yankees fan, but I can get over that. The real struggle between us was that he was a NY Giants fan. i thought about insulting he lack of bodily controls when i found out about his poor taste in football teams, but thought it might be tacky and anyway, they had beat the Patriots to win the superbowl, so I layed off the old guy. As the afternoon drug on, he contributed very little.

Big Al - Second guy to show up. Not sure how he got his name. I asked him a few times, but I don't think he spoke English. He seemed to fit right in to the group though. Kind of strange, he would talk, but no one knew what he was saying. With a complete lack of communication ability, it seemed as though everyone just allowed him to hang out. He would laugh randomly, but other than that, I don't think he knew a word that was said.

Frankie - Really nice guy. He has been down here on the island for 30 years. He talked about life in Ohio like it was yesterday. Kept reminding me that winters suck. Of course he hasn't seen one in 30 years, but loved to talk about how tough he was during them. And of course, he was filled with the obligatory, "the winters back when I was younger were 10 times what they are now." i love how someone who hasn't witnessed snow in over 30 years can speak so eloquently about it from memory.

Dominic - Crazy Italian. Goes by Dom, very creative play on the whole nickname thing. Middle stages of Alzheimer's. Kept repeating himself. Told the same story roughly 5 times in the 2 hours I was there. Was amazingly accurate about historical facts, but I think that is because he thought it was still the 1960's. Kept waiting for his ride.

Well, again, not a very exciting day, but met some interesting people. I am going to go golfing this weekend. I am planning on just showing up and playing with another threesome. Maybe i will call ahead and purposefully book a tee time with another threesome.

So final thought for today. While completely zoning out on my incredibly interesting conversations at the pool, I was thinking about something. Anyone remember Super Mario 3. You know, the first one with the raccoon tail. So I was wondering, how do you come up with a game that has you jump up and break bricks with your bare hand to get a bronze feather looking thing that gives you a raccoon suit that will give you a raccoon tail that will allow you to fly and use the fluffy tail to destroy your enemies. I think that some illegal drugs may have had an effect on the game designers. Just a thought.

Until Tomorrow...

Day 5 - Intervention in the styling aisle

Well, I knew all day what I was going to blog about but I have a funny story from this evening first. I worked for Alberto for almost 7 years. I have purchased their products the whole time and forcibly coerced most people in my life under threat of bodily harm to financially support the company I worked for. I think that I am single handedly responsible for a good percent of growth every quarter. Anyway, I was at Target, the hundred dollar store (because Kacey can't walk out of there without spending at least that much!), to purchase some much needed stuff for Maddie. I have never walked out of Target in the last 3 years without doing some very specific things.

1. Re-face all of the Alberto products in the hair aisle.

I always go through every Target and make sure every Alberto product is perfectly shelved and facing forward. Then I always take the product and spread it out to increase our shelf space. To be honest, I have only been scolded a couple of times over the years. I then turn most of the surrounding product sideways. I always make sure not to do every can as to attract attention, but I make sure it is somewhat disorderly.

2. Convince 1 person that their product choice is wrong and they should use Alberto products.

Well, tonight's experience is not a new one, but I am sure most will get a laugh. I walk up to this 13 or 14 year old girl. First of all, she thinks I am a pervert, but her mom is no where in sight and she is impressionable at this age. Plus, if I can convert her now, she will be a lifetime user. Even though I am gone from Alberto, I decide to give it one more try.

I start talking to her about Aussie. She seems to like the purple. This is an easy one as I tell her the fecal history of Aussie and about the benefits of Tresemme which is shelved directly next to Aussie. After some convincing about Australian hair being different than American hair due to the clay in the air and anything else I needed to do to close the sale, she is a convert. Then her mom comes over. Quite scared that this overweight guy who is 2 times her daughter's age has been in a deep discussion with her daughter and even touching her hair, she jumps right in. Then, thinking back to my promise to all of you, I ask them to pose for a picture with me. The mom freaks and says she is going to have me discuss this with security. I backed off and told her I was just trying to help. The mom grabs a second can of Tresemme and storms off. Of course Kacey was in another aisle because she is embarrased by my actions in the hair aisle. And of course, she happens to be walking up as this woman is leaving. Without hesitation, Kacey apologizes for another hair fondling episode. I am slightly scared that my wife knew what went on without being there. Hopefully my experiences in the gum aisle will make her much more proud in the future.

Mission Accomplished, I think...

Now for the more serious side of today's posting. Having worked at Alberto for 7 years, I've told many a tall tale about our competitors, some true, most not so true. I think I have a unique ability to talk anyone out of purchasing a competitive product; once even doing so with a competitor's own employee. She had no idea that using her product caused premature hair loss in females. Who knew? But now, it is time for a new chapter in my storybook. I must now create story lines regarding gum. I can just imagine scaring young impressionable youth with stories of Wrigley's competitor's gum that will slowly kill their pets if they take the gum home or that it contains ground up race horses to retain flavor, all the while bestowing them with the wisdom that only Wrigley is a safe alternative. I have a couple of weeks to spin my wonderous web of tales and maybe I will even try them out once or twice. I will make sure Kacey approves so that she stays with me next time and I will have a lookout on the end of the aisle for approaching parents. Good or bad, I promise to let you know how it goes.

In all, this was much more entertaining than me telling everyone that it was 94 degrees and perfectly sunny the entire day here.

Until tomorrow...

Day 4 - Onward to God's waiting room

After failing to achieve retirement enlightenment with my grandparents yesterday, I did what I knew must be done. I got up around 10, skipped Starbucks, and got my family on a plane. Destination - Retirement, USA (Florida). Also, affectionately called "God's Waiting Room". I knew I was headed to the right place by the older gentleman in front of me. He had a skycap pushing him in his wheel chair and rolling his golf clubs. It made me think, but in the end I was happy for him. That is, until he turned on me. More about that in a second.

Today, I thought that I should start to document this month in pictures also. So I tried to get the old guy to pose for a picture with me. He was not happy. He thought I was mocking him. Quite perceptive. I will start with the pictures tomorrow. They will be somewhat lower quality as I will be using the iPhone. It is the only piece of technology that belongs to me. I had to turn everything else back in to Alberto.

So anyway, I get on the plane today. I had a couple of thoughts. First, I wasn't worried about Maddie crying. I figured if the people didn't like hearing her, they could just turn off their hearing aids. Second, I wondered how many people were taking their last flight. I know it is morbid, but mortality is a reality.

This brought me to my next thought. For anyone that wants only to read my sarcastic, cynical views on life, please skip this single sappy paragraph. I was thinking about what someone once asked me. What do people want around them right before they die? While I had a couple answers that were as equally funny as they were inappropriate, he said, "the people that meant the most to them in life." Anyway, I realized that I have been really blessed to know some really great, fun people in life. Both in work and in my personal life, there have really been some great people. I am going to try to take notice of these people on a more regular basis and ensure that they know how I feel.

Enough of that, so I am sitting on the plane, Maddie is screaming. The woman next to me is peacefully reading with her hearing aid turned off (No Joke), and the guy in front of me turns around and says, "Do you think you could get her to be quiet?" I had to laugh. In fact, I laughed about 5 seconds longer than normal just to get my point across. What amazed me was that he was serious. I never did answer him as I think he understood how stupid he sounded after the words left his mouth. Again, being on such a good streak, as we got off the plane, I asked him to pose with me for a picture. He mumbled something under his breath that he was scared to say out loud and walked away. What a shame. I could have had 2 great candids from this trip already. Starting tomorrow, I am going to just start taking pictures and asking for forgiveness.

Well, me and the fam are in Clearwater Beach over-looking the ocean. We have spent almost $1,000 recreating the home in Illinois to ensure that Maddie wants for nothing. Of course at her age she likes a plastic bag more than anything else. Yes, I said a plastic bag. Call me a bad parent. I try to stay close while she plays with them. But I figure, if she realizes she can't breathe, she will probably stop playing with it. At least I hope so.

I am planning on getting up really early tomorrow and going to the coffee shop here on the island. I know that I will be surrounded by 70-something retirees that might allow me to glean some eternal wisdom from them. I still seek answers to some questions, but for now it is sleep. While I have no job to wake to, I have an unfulfilled mission that I must attend to. Until tomorrow...